Three Days Grace...

Tuesday, I was sitting at the kitchen table gluing on nails. When I get nervous, stressed out or anxious I bite my fingernails off and I put on fake ones so I will stop. It was such a beautiful day outside, about 70 degrees and I had all the windows open in the house. Elias was sitting at the kitchen table with me doing his homework. My phone rings and it is a 303 area code. Could it be? It's too soon! I thought it would be December or January before we got the call! Pick it up already! Hello? "Hi Penny this is Pam with CCAI waiting child program!" I know Pam! Pam! Holy cow its PAM! I try to stay calm and collected but my voice is cracking... "We have a little girl that needs a mommy and a daddy!" No way! At this point I am crying! I really tried to hold back! I walked outside with a paper and a pen because I felt like I was suffocating inside... A little girl! I take down all of the information and then it hits me! She has the same birthday as my dad! No way! I think a little more clearly... her name... her name is a nickname that we have called my sister for 18 years! It can't be! What? She was found by a police officer? My husband is a police officer! I am out of control! Pam tells me that she sent the emails with her picture. I open it up immediately, still on the phone with Pam. She is beautiful I cry! That's all I can get out at that moment. Beautiful! My daughter... sweet Norah! I call my husband, my best friend, my dad, my inlaws. Anyone that will listen, I tell them about my new daughter! Oh I love her! I go to work Tuesday night with no make-up on. I had been crying with joy the whole day and I would just ruin it if I had make-up on! I print out her picture and keep it in my pocket so I can show her off! Did I mention that she was beautiful?? We ordered Chinese that night at work to celebrate! Wednesday I go to breakfast with my best friend and we talk baby. Baby showers, baby bibs, baby bedding. My daughter! All of this time waiting, wanting and I am settled. We are now complete. We go to the baby store and walk around, looking at outfits, pappy's and bath toys. We finally perch into one of those ultra comfy cozy glider rockers. I will have to put this on my registry! I love these! We talk again about how cute she is and how perfect she is for our family. Thursday I finally have the time to do a little shopping. A few dresses here, a picture frame to send in her care package and a picture frame or two to put her picture in right next to our family picture. She belongs there you know, she always has. Perfect. I called a dear friend of mine in the parking lot to get yet another dress. She is pregnant! Oh, I love it! I am so happy for her! Go into the store and get the dress... I know what size to get! Yeah! I am walking back to my car and the phone rings again. Probably another well wisher! I have had the happiest conversations the last few days! 303 area code. It's Pam again. Yes we will take her! We love her! Pam says there is a problem. No, there can't be a problem! She is our daughter! CCAA is pulling her file because the orphanage director thinks she may be autistic. No! Please God no! Yes, it is so. But they will put us right back in line and we should hear something soon. No... she is my daughter!
But my hands are tied. I came home and sobbed for 2 days. I didn't get out of my pj's I just wanted to lay in the bed and cry. And I did. My daughter was gone. I saw her face and touched her picture 1,000 times. My heart was broken.
So, that is why I could not show myself on here. I knew that if I wrote, it would not be nice. Not something that I would want someone else to read... now or never.
I can breath again. The huge lump isn't there anymore when I talk about her. I just hope and pray that they evaluate her in the next few years and find out that it wasn't autism after all. That way she will have a shot at having a family of her own. If not, she will grow up in the orphanage. That is what kills me the most.
Those were the sweetest three days I have had in a long time.
I know that our daughter will come home in God's time and I know that He had a reason for doing this. Like my mom always says... In ALL things give thanks. And that is what I am trying to do everyday.