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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Two days before Christmas...

It is two days before Christmas and I haven't sent out a single Christmas card. Haven't made any cookies. The lights on the tree haven't been on in 2 days. I admit it... no Christmas spirit here. No twinge of excitement that Christmas is 2 days away. I am really trying not to be Scrooge like for the kids. They deserve Christmas in their hearts and they deserve the magic that it brings. What I would really like to do instead is run away. Maybe bury my head in the sand somewhere or sleep until its over.
I took Elias to the doctor a few weeks ago because he had been throwing up since September. I honestly chalked it up to school stress or maybe something he ate. We did some blood work and an ultrasound and his white count came up high showing that there was an infection somewhere in his body. His ultrasound showed that there was something going on with his kidneys. We then waited for 2 (AGONIZING) weeks until he could have the CT scan and the urologist appointment. After the 5 of us held down a screaming sweating 7 year old boy his IV was ready to go and they proceeded with the CT scan. They also did an x-ray while we were there. What a draining day... I didn't sleep a wink last night and today feels as if it has lasted forever.
We met with the urologist, who was the nicest person that anyone would want to meet. Very kid friendly and took his time with us as he explained the diagnosis at hand. Ureteropelvic Junction Obstruction. Basically when Elias was being formed in my tum the junction between his kidneys and the ureter never formed properly, therefore he is not able to properly drain anything from his kidney to the ureter to the bladder. His kidney is distended and large and it is misshaped from continual kidney damage.
So we go back in the morning for another procedure - a renogram with lasix washout. It is about an hour and a half and it will tell us what his kidney function is in that kidney. Best case scenario from what I understand is a shunt to open up the obstruction. Worst case scenario would be to remove the kidney. So far the other kidney is working properly and that is what we want!
So that's where we are 2 days before Christmas. I am sad and I am angry. I am confused and concerned. One minute I am smiling and the next I am a blubbering idiot. But he is my baby. When I cannot fix him I feel insecure and scared. I want him to be okay and I want it now, please and thank you.
Everyone has been so kind with their well wishes and calls and positive thoughts. We appreciate them and please don't be offended if we don't want to talk about it alot. We are trying to make sense of this ourselves.
But I really don't want to be dealing with this at all. Yes he is 7, but he is my baby. He will always be my baby. The child I so miraculously gave birth to, weighing in at 8 lbs 2 oz and kicking and screaming up until he went to bed tonight. I want to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him that he is going to be okay when he asks. I want to be certain of that when he asks. But I cannot be certain. Yes there may be an operation. Yes, he may have to be in the hospital and yes, it may hurt. But when all is said and done I want him well. Shannon said tonight that it could always be worse. Yes, it very well could. But it could also be better. It could not be happening to my child. But it is what it is. I will be strong for him. I will hold his hand and I will pray for him when he is so nervous he can hardly stand up. I will wipe his tears away and I will hold him in my arms just like I did when he was a baby. All the while begging and pleading for God to keep his arms around my precious baby boy and to bring peace and comfort to his heart and to his body.

Merry Christmas everyone. May 2010 be a year of renewed hope for you and your family.

With much love....