The Desires of my Heart...

I have been thinking alot lately about Norah's birth mom. I will just tell you now that this post will probably be all over the place and I apologize in advance. There are just some things that I want to put out here and I cannot completely wrap my head around my feelings just yet.

When we got our referral for Norah, we were sooo excited! We immediately began fixing up her room, decorating and just preparing to add a daughter to our lives. We talked about her as if she were here already, perhaps in another room or away for a while. We would dream of her and think of what she may be doing at that particular moment half way across the world. In our hearts and head she was already our daughter. But in fact she was a stranger. The only way she knew us was by pictures that her nanny showed her from the book that we sent.

But could she really understand that we were her parents? Would she think that we would leave her too after some time? After all she had been through I wouldn't doubt it. I am sure that there are times now that she may feel uneasy and wonder when her time is up with us. But we will prove her wrong. We will never leave her. She is home.

But I wonder about her birth parents alot these days. Normally in Chinese adoptions, the birth mother leaves them a few days after birth. Perhaps because they have to. Norah was with her birth parents for 6 months. Six months! Can you imagine the pain that she felt leaving her? We have had her for almost two months and I am sure that I would be broken if I had to leave her. Add four months onto that I would be a gonner.

Were her parents poor? Were they married? Does she have brothers and sisters? Was she from a country side like we saw when we were there? Why would they keep her six months and then abandon? Does she have her father's eyes? Does she look like her mother? Was her mother in tears the first time she saw her like I was? Did she count all ten fingers and toes like I did? Was she born in a hospital? Did the nurses's gather around and proclaim that she was the cutest baby they had ever seen? Was her father proud of his newdaughter? Did her aunts and uncles and grandparents rejoice the day she was born? Were the devastated when she was gone?

Oh the stories that little one has in her heart. Stories of beginnings and endings. She is the main character. The beautiful princess playing a role that she was born to play. She now has her happy ending. Her once upon a time.

I cannot imagine the grief and the pain that her mother must have endured. The very thought takes my breath away. I wonder if she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs that night laying in bed after she left her. I wonder if she sobbed into her pillow knowing that she would never see her daughter again.

I just wish that I could tell her about Norah.

How her smile lights up the room, how her laugh is breathtaking.

I would tell her that she is walking so well now and that she has a big brother that thinks she hung the moon and stars.

I would tell her that she loves having two scrambled eggs and peaches for breakfast and she hates pineapple.

I would tell her that she loves birds and she screams when she sees them.

I would tell her so much. I know that I will never be able to. I would tell her that Norah will always be reminded of how much her birth mother loved her and that she gave her up to be taken care of. I will tell her that her birth mom will live in her heart just like Jesus does.


I wonder what Norah was wearing the day that she was left. How did her mother pick out her clothes knowing that would be the last time. Did she keep anything that belonged to her? Oh the questions that spill out of my heart daily.

I wish her peace. Peace in her heart that will forever remain broken for the loss of her baby girl. I wish her courage through her days. I wish her love.

If I could just tell her somethings about Norah I would.

I would tell her how kind and sweet she is.

I would tell her that she yells at the dog twenty times a day just because she can.

I would tell her that I love the way she looks at me while she is taking her bottle.

I would tell her that she is my dream come true.

Thank you. I do not know who you are, and I never will. Thank you for having the courage to give her up so she could be taken care of. We love her so much and could never imagine how you must have felt that July morning. I hope and pray that your heart is healing. Don't worry, we are taking good care of her and she is happy. She has that light in her eyes and has such a happy heart. She will always know of you. We will never with hold that from her. She will know the love of her first mother. But we are so glad that she is home. She is finally home.